My Miserable Co-Worker

10:01am, Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Yesterday we found out Friday would be our last day.

This morning, My Miserable Co-Worker sent me an e-mail with the title, “Unemployment Link.”

10:18am, Monday, August 12, 2008

A woman walks by on the phone.

My Miserable Co-Worker: It’s like a dagger in my ear.

Silence.

9:59am, Friday, August 8, 2008

My Miserable Co-Worker: Great, now the world is supposed to end on September 11. Kinda sucks.

5:10pm, Thursday, August 7, 2008

Silence.

My Miserable Co-Worker: Great, some woman just went to Korea to clone her dog. She had to sell her house to do it. I love my cats but I’m not about to be homeless for them.

My Commendable Co-Worker: What are your cat’s names again?

MMCW: Sascha, Jasmine and BB.

Me: BB?

MMCW: Because it was shot with a BB gun before I found it. The other two are named after strippers. Two strippers and a head injury.

Silence.

12:59pm, Thursday, August 7, 2008

Returning to my seat, I catch a wind of a conversation in progress.

My Miserable Co-Worker: I really wish they’d bring the brownies back to the cafeteria. I really liked them.

My Commendable Co-Worker: Write something on the comment card?

Me: The pies are pretty good.

MMCW: Yeah their pies always look good but I can’t be bothered trying to operate them.

Me: I mean, you just take the pie server and slide it onto the dish. It takes, like, 3 seconds.

MMCW: Well, the last time I tried to someone grabbed the spatula and ran away with it.

Pause.

Me: Where did they take it?

MMCW: I have no idea.

Silence.

10:05am, Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Silence.

My Miserable Co-Worker stands up and looks me dead in the face.

MMCR: You know there was a murder in Brooklyn Heights last night, right?

Me: I did. Was it last night?

MMCR: Yeah. Well, no, it was yesterday.

Silence.

MMCR: What does criminality mean?

Me: In what context?

MMCR: The cops said there was criminality. But someone got stabbed 12 times in the bathroom.

Me: Sounds like a crime.

MMCR: The reporter said he had a wife and twins.

My Commendable Co-Worker: You talked to the coroner?

MMCR, frustrated: No, I spoke to a reporter. The murder was right around the block from My Miserable Religious Boyfriend’s apartment so we went over there.

Silence.

9:26am, Monday, August 4, 2008

My co-workers are discussing the “best supermarket,” Fairway, which I’d never heard of.

Me: What makes Fairway so great?

My Miserable Co-Worker, disgusted: UM. It’s like a REAL supermarket.

Silence.

2:06pm, Friday, August 1, 2008

Silence.

My Miserable Co-Worker walks to her desk with her phone to her ear.

MMCW: I just don’t see why I’d have to give you my social security number. It’s completely inappropriate.

Silence.

10:04am, Friday, August 1, 2008

My Miserable Co-Worker enters the room. My Commendable Co-Worker and I applaud in jest as if she was Miss America.

My Commendable Co-Worker: How was your party last night?

My Miserable Co-Worker: Oh. We didn’t go. I mean, we went but the douchebag at the door wouldn’t let us in. So I guess we went but we never saw the birthday boy.

Silence.

MMCW: I’m a sweaty bastard. I had no idea it was so hot out.

Silence.

11:45am, Thursday, July 31, 2008

Silence except for the running of the copy machine.

My Miserable Co-Worker: Oh my god this sound is driving me crazy. What if I just go and shut the copier off?

Me: You can’t do that, people are doing work. I don’t even hear anything.

MMCW: You don’t understand. I can hear tones no one else can hear. I’m like a dog with a dog whistle.

Silence except for the running of the copy machine.